Category: Life

“Lies beget other lies. Unlike statements of fact, which require no further work on our part, lies must be continually protected from collisions with reality. When you tell the truth, you have nothing to keep track of.” – Sam Harris

There I was on a bench at Centennial Park in Nashville, TN overlooking the world’s only full-scale replica of the Greek Parthenon, reading a Kindle book called Lying by Sam Harris, and nodding my head in agreement after every turn.

I had just posted a very honest article 2 weeks prior and hadn’t posted anything since. September 2011 would go on to be the only month in the history of this blog that I didn’t post a single article. I’d been second-guessing myself about being so honest about how I felt on that particular topic and if I should continue that trend. I questioned whether it was the right thing to do for myself and my future. As much support as I received on the article I still felt a bit at-odds.

I knew then that I needed to do 2 things:

1. Write about the eBook Lying. If I could send it to everybody in the world I would. (I did send a copy to my friend Markus because I knew he’d appreciate it.)
2. Get more uncomfortable more often. Be more honest.

Prior to reading Lying I’d been inspired by James Altucher. James is so open on his blog you’d think nobody would ever do business with the man. I would, and obviously other people do as well. (Note: This article was written before James posted this article about honesty yesterday. Crazy, huh?)

“Honesty is a gift we can give to others.” – Sam Harris

The last few articles I’ve posted I’ve written things I was actually scared to post publicly. Most of the reactions have been exceptionally positive.

Here’s a bit of revelation: It doesn’t actually matter what I think or what anybody else thinks about what I think. That realization was very freeing.

A lot of people hide behind lies white and otherwise because it’s seemingly bad for business. When your goal isn’t to squeeze every possible penny out of everybody this no longer matters.

I’m intelligent enough to know that I’m intelligent enough to make things happen no matter the barriers set before me. I’m also intelligent enough to know that by being honest I could be consciously placing obstacles in my way. Maybe these obstacles make it more difficult, maybe they don’t. More than likely these obstacles are just figments of my imagination.

Everybody’s Bullshittin’

Most online personas are fake. What we write and who we are diverge completely because we tell ourselves, “I can’t get anywhere if anybody found out the truth.”

But it’s not relegated to just online personas. Most personas are fake.

Sometimes I’m out and I think, “There is no way the online Karol would act like this or do this. Quit being a baby.”

We (I’m at fault here as much as anybody) hide specific things and highlight (or “white lie”) certain aspects about life or our pasts or our businesses because it’s supposedly good for the girls/guys we’re dating or trying to date, the employer we’re trying to impress, or to attract more clients to our business.

The Bullshit Industry

There are whole books, seminars, and training courses devoted to this art of persuasion & presentation. The best, maybe only, way to combat it is to study it yourself. You can’t know it’s happening to you except when you know it’s happening to you. And when you know it’s happening the fog you didn’t even know was there breaks up and you see things clearly. (I’ll talk more about persuasion this coming Monday.)

Interestingly, we all know lying sucks. White lies like, “Oh, yeah, that shirt looks great on you” when it really doesn’t. And more hurtful lies like, “No, I’ve never cheated” or “I’ll never do it again.” They may not all hold equal weight, but they’re all problematic.

“The moment we consider our dishonesty from the point of view of those we lie to, we recognize that we would feel betrayed if the roles were reversed.” – Sam Harris

It makes it that much more difficult to lie when we think about it like that. I know I won’t always tell the whole truth, but I’m much more conscious of it now. Particularly of the white lies that “don’t matter.”

I’ve already quoted Sam Harris to high heaven so let’s end with another:

“How would your relationships change if you resolved never to lie again? What truths might suddenly come into view in your life? What kind of person would you become? And how might you change the people around you? It is worth finding out.”

It is worth finding out, don’t you think?

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In case it wasn’t clear in the previous 800 words, I think every thinking human being should read Lying by Sam Harris. (I get paid 20 cents if you buy it, no lie.)

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Commenting suggestion:

Let’s try something. “Great article!” or “I agree!” type comments, while very much appreciated, don’t continue the conversation. Instead, if you have thoughts on the topic let us know. If you have questions, ask them. It’s also OK to stay quiet.

A couple of weeks ago (which seems concurrently like yesterday and years ago) I spent 2 days in the middle of a forest in Georgia with a dozen people I had just met.

We ran around barefoot, read a lot, skinny dipped in a private lake, canoed on said lake, played board games, ate just-cooked organic vegan meals, and slept in the trees. Even if it was extraordinarily hot/humid/sweaty/dirty (I scraped tree sap off my feet for a week!) I had a very relaxing time.

Being awoken by wind gently rustling through the trees and chickens chickening on the ground below was a rare treat. One I’d never experienced before. But everything else felt like an aside in comparison to dinner.

Ceremoniously Grateful

Every night after the dinner bell rang – Yes, there was a dinner bell! – we would gather in the communal geodome and begin a bit of a ceremony.

It might sound very froo froo new agey (puke!) but it didn’t feel like that. It felt … right. We’d gather in a circle, hold hands, introduce ourselves, and state what we were grateful or thankful for.

There was no judgment. Whatever was felt was said. Serious, funny, seriously funny, anything, everything. It was a slow process as nobody rushed it. Some people had a laundry list of things they were grateful for and others had less. It was all good.

Life Changing? Maybe, Maybe Not

That doesn’t matter anyway.

The ceremony did make a big impact. At the time it simply made me smile and appreciate the people around me and the vegan food we were about to eat. This is something I rarely, if ever, did in the course of daily life.

I’ve now made it a practice to stop my routine (or lack thereof) once per day and think about what I’m grateful for.

Right now it’s:

• my fast fingers which allow me to type whatever’s on my mind at a brisk 90wpm
• this laptop
• silly texts
• metaphorical blank slates
• a short, inspiring phone call from a good friend
• a new backpack more conducive to my travel style
• winning a game of Words With Friends
• believing I know what’s best for me and having the balls to see it through
• you

I haven’t created a trigger, so I don’t necessarily do this before a meal. It happens whenever it happens.

We don’t need a once per year national holiday to practice gratefulness. It feels immeasurably better, and surprisingly more natural, on a daily basis.

It doesn’t have to be a religious practice either. (As you know, I am not religious.) You can be grateful without thanking a deity or deities.

It’s a simple practice to remind us how good we have it no matter what else is happening in our lives.

All of this begs the question, what are you grateful for? (Answer to yourself or in the comments below.)

I’m interested in – no, I need – your answers to this question. Pretend it’s my life’s blood and if you don’t offer a response you kill a piece of me.

I don’t wanna die, so please don’t kill me!

Unless it’s with kindness. I think I can handle that. Maybe. I don’t know. I should stop this now lest you think I’m crazy and/or you stop reading. Either one would be utterly heartbreaking.

That’s a lie. Some would say you can’t get blood from my heart of stone. Just kidding. There’s nothing like this coming back to bite me in the ass some day in the future: “Karol, remember what you wrote that one time? Well it’s true, you’re a heartless bastard!” We don’t want that, now do we? I don’t want that anyway.

What just happened here?

Moving on …

What is a social challenge?

It’s something you do in public that pushes you. Maybe it’s embarrassing. Maybe it’s a little bit culturally unacceptable. Maybe it forces you to be outgoing instead of shy. Maybe it’s just plain weird. The main rule is that it has to be done in a social environment.

Examples:

• Laying down in the middle of a busy walkway for 15 seconds is a social challenge.
• Saying “hi” to 100 people in a day is a social challenge.
• Saying “hi” to 100 members of the opposite sex is a social challenge. (Err, or same sex if that’s your ticket. It’s all good!)
• Enticing a girl/guy to ask you for your number (as opposed to you asking them) is a social challenge.
• OK fine, asking them can be a social challenge as well. (I don’t want to put any limits on your answers.)
• Going to a bar/club/event of any sort by yourself (meaning, you don’t know anybody who will be there) is a social challenge.
• Punching a cop and not getting thrown in a holding cell is a social challenge.
• Preaching on a soap box with a megaphone at a busy intersection is a social challenge.
• Going down the street shirtless in a pink tutu and roller skates … is very Reno 911-esque … and it’s a social challenge.
• Starting a public protest is a social challenge.

You get the idea.

What sort of challenge will stretch a person? Expand their comfort zone until there is no longer a zone to be uncomfortable with?

Here’s a good way to come up with a social challenge: Think about what scares you. Then share it with our community in the comments. (Or tell us about what doesn’t scare you, but maybe scares other people. Or maybe just come up with whatever!)

Keep in mind: The type of social challenge I’m looking for is actionable. “Do this…” “Say this…” Get specific.

If you’ve got more than one, share them all. They can be as simple or as involved as you’d like.

If you have a personal anecdote to go along with a challenge, share that as well.

There is a reason I’m asking for this. I will personally do some of your challenges. Make ’em good!

“I may be knock, knock, knockin’ on heaven’s door, but I’ve never had so much fun before. Come on chill out man don’t believe the hype, no use walking around afraid of life. Let it roll ’cause the world just turns. Yes, you’ve got to let it roll before you crash and burn.” – An old friend, and one of my favorite artists/poets/musicians, Blair (1970 – 2011).

I met Markus Urban back in March and I felt like we clicked almost instantly. If nothing else, I became enthralled with his life philosophy, which he calls Living On Impulse.

Note: My thoughts/observations on living on impulse here are my own. Markus may agree or disagree with a lot of them. This won’t be the last time we discuss this topic. Subscribe to get the updates.

Since meeting in March (and hanging out around Austin, TX for a couple weeks) I’d been watching from the sidelines as Markus continued to live on impulse. I had plans and living on impulse isn’t particularly conducive to specific plans so watching on the sidelines was my only real option. When those plans were unexpectedly cancelled I wasn’t sure what to do. If I can be honest, it was the most down/depressed I’d felt in years. I put a lot of work into the roller coaster tour and to end it was not a decision I made lightly.

The aftermath was me sitting around wallowing for a few weeks. It wasn’t unproductive wallowing as I’m actually in the early stages of creating a new company (which I may not ever talk about here because it’s unrelated to what this site is about), but it was wallowing none-the-less. I went out drinking with friends more than I would normally. I hung out at my Parents’ house and took care of their cat while they went on holiday. And mostly I just got into a big mental rut.

I knew I wanted to leave on some kind of excursion because the road is life’s blood. Maybe I’d move to Nashville (I love country music now) for a couple months? Maybe I’d go on an East Coast road trip and see all the people I had planned on seeing during the coaster tour? Maybe I’d leave the country, never to return? Maybe I’d play travel roulette?

I delayed my “get on the road again” date twice. It was supposed to be “this coming Friday” which turned into “next Wednesday” which turned into “ehh, I’m not sure when I’ll leave.”

Then I was talking to Brook via e-mail and she said (paraphrased) “We’re going on a boat trip Saturday. There will be a cannon. Join us.” This was Thursday, July 21. My response, which I had just decided on at that moment, was “I’ve been delayed a bit on my excursion, but I’ll leave tomorrow.” Brook’s in Portland, ME which is 800 miles from Detroit, MI if you take a short cut through Canada. It’s not exactly like driving down the street. (Although now that I’m essentially a truck driver 800 miles is no sweat.)

At that moment I felt a strong desire to experiment with living on impulse so I went with it.

Over-thinking Kills Creativity

Previous to this I’d been trying to get myself into the living on impulse mindset, but it just wasn’t flowing. I’d get too far into my head and then make very specific plans, which I wouldn’t end up taking action on anyway. “Hmm, I’m really into country music right now, I should go to Nashville for a couple months.” And instead of just heading to Nashville (living on impulse) I’d begin endlessly researching Nashville (not at all living on impulse). This over-thinking is also known as analysis paralysis. It’s a creativity killer.

I had also thought about an east coast road trip because there were a lot of places on the east coast I’d never been to. The state of Maine was one of those places, but again, I kept delaying the excursion. That is until that moment on Thursday July 21 when it just felt right. Maybe I hadn’t been ready  in the months, weeks, days, even minutes leading up to making the decision. Whatever the case may be, my experiment in living on impulse was officially beginning.

In The Beginning

The first day was spent in a car driving. I knew the route based on Google Maps and I immediately failed by deciding where I’d stop to sleep. It hit me that that’s not living on impulse. So I just left Michigan and decided I would figure everything else out later.

I ended up stopping in Lowell, MA because it was 9:30pm and I was falling asleep from being behind the wheel for over 12 hours. The first hotel I stopped at was completely booked. “Weird,” I thought to myself, “hotels are usually running nowhere near capacity. Why is this booked?” The guy at the counter said to head down to the next highway stop since there are 3 hotels there and they should have something available.

So I stopped in another hotel, which also looked completely full. The parking lot was near capacity and the lobby was brimming with activity. “What is going on here? I’m in Lowell, MA. Why the fuck is Lowell, MA so popular?!” I walked up to the reception counter not expecting much.

Me: “What kind of fabulous deal do you have on rooms tonight?” – Faking a positive attitude is better than exuding negativity.

Hotel: “Let’s see. $X. There are only a couple rooms left.”

Me: “I was just at another hotel and everything was sold out. What is going on here?”

Hotel: “The Lowell Folk Festival, but to be honest, it has been like this for a while. Rooms have been booked solid lately.”

Me: “Weird. What kind of discount can you give me on that room?”

Hotel: “Do you have AAA?”

Me: “Yes?”

Hotel: “10% off.”

Me: “Sold!”

And so it was. My first day of living on impulse was mostly uneventful until I was nearly falling asleep and needed a place to lay my head.

Days 2 & 3: Shooting a cannon, seeing my first bald eagle, swimming in the harbor, drinking Cristal, puking Cristal, Mississippi Blues in Maine.

I got to Portland, ME around 11:30am and by 2pm we were on a 60 foot motorsail boat along with about 10 other people. I got to shoot a cannon! Although I already mostly knew that would happen. :)

Then everybody began jumping in the water to go swimming. I did not have a swim suit. Just my shorts. “Hey, uhh, would you all be weirded out if I swam in my underwear?” This is not something I would normally do. First off, even though I learned to swim when I was 3 I’m not a big fan of swimming or being immersed in water. It’s simply not enjoyable for me. But in that moment I wanted to join everybody and go for a swim. Of course, the collective response to my question was “No, jump in!” And so it was.

Later we saw a bald eagle land on a tree top and stay there for an hour or so. This has nothing to do with living on impulse, it was just awesome! I’d never seen a bald eagle before. And it was just hanging out. Maybe hunting? Who knows?

The day of boating finished around 8. Brook and her friend Young invited me to their friend’s birthday party. It took me about 5 seconds to say “yes, I’m in!” I happened to have some decent looking clothes so I wouldn’t look like my usual “bum” self. :) This party was at the VIP area of a local club. The drinks were flowing and I over-indulged more than I had in a good 10 years. At one point there was Cristal and seemingly endless supply of vodka.

On the way out of the club I ended up heading to the bathroom and puking. That was new. I was never the type to drink so much I’d get sick. Lately I hadn’t even been drinking much at all. But there’s a saying: “When someone hands you a glass of champagne that costs more than the clothes on your back, you drink.” That’s actually not a saying, but maybe it should be?

The next day I woke up and wasn’t sure what I’d do. I somehow decided I’d leave Portland and head either north or south. I’m not sure why exactly. Portland is a very nice city and I probably could have spent a few days exploring. But I felt the impulse to go. I had read about a Mississippi Blues Trail marker in Rockland, ME, about 90 minutes north east of Portland during another previous attempt at living on impulse.

That attempt was “I should visit all the Mississippi Blues Trail markers. I wonder how many there are. I wonder where they are. WTF, there’s one in Maine?”

I obviously researched more than I took action on that impulse as well.

But I also wanted to head south to Boston. I’d never been there, I heard it’s nice, and I hadn’t seen my old friend Jeanne (my former roommate in the ‘hood … just kidding, but it was Detroit) in probably 8 or 9 years.

I chose north. I felt like a day of peace and calm was in order after the previous day’s events.

I wondered how I’d find the blues trail marker. I knew there was probably a detailed map on the website, but that didn’t appeal to me. As I got into Rockland I stopped at a Rite Aid for a water. Then I sat in my car in the Rite Aid parking lot and began researching hotels in Rockland and further north on my phone. I wasn’t sure where I’d stay that night so I was looking at my options. “Dammit!” I thought to myself. “That’s not living on impulse.” I put my phone away, drove about 100 meters past the Rite Aid, and there it was … the Mississippi to Maine Blues Trail Marker! Right in the parking lot of a hotel. I stopped to read it and take a photo. By now it was only 4pm, but I wanted to go to sleep. The previous night was catching up with me. “I’m not leaving Rockland. I need a nap. I’m staying at this hotel.”

North or South, East or West? The Only Question That Matters?

That night I asked myself the same question as before. “Do I head north or south tomorrow?” This time I didn’t feel particularly compelled to head further north. South to Boston it was!

After Boston I headed to NYC to hang with Nick for a handful of days. Then it was off to DC to hang with my friends Dan and Kasey. And I’m currently writing from Florida hanging out with my good friend Kenny. I eventually want to go to the Forest Hostel in Georgia and I’ll also head to Asheville to plan the next Only72.com sale with Baker. So I have a few general ideas of where I’ll go, but the gaps aren’t filled in.

I’m not going to continue with the minutiae of my living on impulse. I wanted to give you an idea of the early days so you could see how it looked. It might seem very normal to you, but virtually everything is an adventure. Where I stop to eat, where I stop to sleep, what I decide to do.

Sometimes I make plans a bit ahead of time (this is especially necessary when meeting up with somebody) and sometimes I don’t make plans at all. Plans in and of themselves are not the death of living on impulse. It’s being open to unexpected plans and not planning every moment that matters to me.

Being Impulsive vs Living On Impulse

Living on impulse is not the same as being impulsive. It’s actually a not-so-subtle difference. To me being impulsive can be misconstrued as being wasteful, consumerist, or weak-willed/weak-minded. On the contrary living on impulse is letting life lead you wherever it leads you without giving it direction (or little direction) but still doing it somewhat consciously. Getting into the flow and allowing it to make your decisions for you, but knowing that’s what’s happening. Maybe that means saying yes to an opportunity you wouldn’t normally say yes to. Maybe that means saying no in a situation you’d usually say yes. Maybe that means putting everything you own in a garbage bag, throwing it away, opening the door to your home, and never looking back.

You know in the moment (this moment) where the impulse will lead you. It might lead you astray. It might lead you to pleasant surprises. Either way, it’s leading you exactly where it should be leading you.

Fate vs Living On Impulse

I don’t believe in fate and I’m not superstitious. Things do not “happen for a reason” as so many people falsely, and unfortunately to their detriment, believe. We’ve been conditioned into this line of thinking to make ourselves feel better when things go wrong. Well guess what? Things go wrong! To everybody. It’s not bad or good. It just is. By embracing this feeling, the flow of living on impulse, we can harness this power of the good and the bad. We become more in tune with ourselves and our surroundings.

At the same time, we become more detached from results. If something good happens, great! If something bad happens, oh well! If neither this nor that happens, that’s cool too. The result doesn’t matter as much as embracing our existence and loving the process (and progress) of life; of moments.

Is It Possible To Plan and Live On Impulse?

Yes. Planning is generally counter-intuitive to the living on impulse philosophy, but not always. Maybe somebody asks you to visit them, or to hang out, or to go to dinner, or whatever else, and that’s a plan. I’ve been doing my best not to make my own plans, but sometimes that is the impulse. “Hey I should go to [insert city] [on this date].” I’ve also caught myself talking to somebody and saying something like “Hey, I think I’ll be in X city at some time in the future. We should hang.” That’s OK too.

The Recipe For Living On Impulse

When you first start learning to cook you need to follow the recipe to a T. Otherwise you’ll probably make mistakes that make your food inedible. While it’s OK to make mistakes it’s also smart to learn how to do something correctly. You’ve got to know the rules before you can break them. Once you’ve made a recipe well once you’ll be much more comfortable changing it up and playing around with the ingredients. This holds true for almost anything in life.

The recipe for living on impulse is a little different in that you already know the recipe so you can begin changing it from Day 1. That’s because there is no recipe. You’ll know when you’re not living on impulse. You’ll know when you’re falling into your old ways. I still mess up a lot with it myself. There is no guilt.

The Box? There Is No Box. Except There Is.

Life is supposed to be fun and forcing yourself into a box is anything but. That’s the biggest lesson I’m learning with this experiment.

Sometimes I see the box. Sometimes I’m in the box. Sometimes I’m out of the box. Sometimes the box isn’t a box at all. It’s all OK.

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Questions about living on impulse? Ask them below and I’ll coerce Markus into providing his own input in a future article. Subscribe to get the updates

Everything you’ve been force-fed about blogging ruffled a few feathers. That wasn’t the intention and, for the most part, I got a lot of positive e-mails/tweets/comments.

It got me thinking about how I decide to do what I do. Specifically, how I use technology in regards to this site and how technology has given us the ability to act in ways we would never act face-to-face.

For example, why don’t I tweet Instagrams? Because they are (usually) lame and (usually) nothing more than ego strokes. Do you text/call your IRL (in real life) friends every time you take a photo or go to the gym or a restaurant? Think about it. Why do we feel the need to announce to the world where we are or what we’re doing on a regular basis? (This goes for Foursquare, and other check-in apps as much as Instagram and its ilk.) It’s because we want people to know we’re doing stuff. Ego driven. We want people to be a little envious of what we’re up to. Ego driven. Or we want people to know that we don’t just sit at home on the computer all day. Ego driven.

I’m not saying these things don’t have their uses sometimes. They do. If you’re walking across America, for example, it might make sense to check in so anybody who wants to follow along can do that.

What it boils down to is signal versus noise. If what you’re doing is noise to the majority of the people who have opted in to follow you then are you acting in a way that’s aligned with how you want to live your life? You obviously can’t please all the people, but if you’re reaching your right people you should be more signal than noise to them. Isn’t that common sense?

Back to a part of the “everything you’ve been force-fed” article that ruffled feathers: Why don’t I tweet my articles multiple times per day? Because it’s noise. I don’t like when other people do it, so why would I? Yes, I know I’ll get more visitors to my site if I do it. So what? Once, and sometimes twice (if it’s relevant), is enough. If the message is worth spreading it will spread. I’m not going to force it down your throat hoping it’ll change things.

Why don’t I send blanket “good morning” or “good night” or “how can I help you today?” tweets every day? Again, it’s noise. And it’s incredibly insincere. Fun test: Next time you see a “how can I help you?” message flung out to the world make a request of that person and see what happens. Maybe I’m being incredibly cynical and these questions are sincere. As for me? While I do care about you, I’ll ask how you’re doing one-on-one instead of asking you and the thousands of people following me on twitter in a very disingenuous manner.

Moving along …

Consider popups, which many of your favorite bloggers use. Why don’t I have a popup on this site? Because I don’t like popups on other people’s sites. (I have a hard time believing anybody does.) It’s very rare that I’m actually finished reading an article before a popup distracts me. If it pops up after I’m done reading then it bothers me a lot less, but I can’t think of a single person who does this right. Yes, I know I’m throwing away a good 30% of my income by not having a popup. I don’t care. Life is not business. Business is not life.

If You Don’t Like Something …

Don’t do it. It feels very odd writing that because everybody knows this simple rule of life. Why does technology make people forget?

If you love popups then, by all means, put a popup on your site.

If you love seeing people’s instagrams then post, post, post.

If you love seeing the same article tweeted out over and over from its author, then do that with your articles.

If you like noise, create noise.

If you value signal, then broadcast signal.

You are the barometer.

Do what you like. But don’t do something just because “everybody else is doing it.” There’s that odd everybody-already-knows-this-but-not-everybody-practices-it feeling again.

What’s your take?